Open the Chip Dip!
by elphabathedelirious32
Summary: Musical, after the end. Fiyero and Elphaba can't open a jar of chip dip. Magic spells, bullets, axes, even dropping a house on the jar doesn't open it. Can the Wizard who for some reason hasn't left yet help...for once?
1. Spells, Guns and Boq

A/N: This random fanfiction came to be as a result of several of my friends sleeping over and none of us being able to open a stubborn jar of chip dip…So this is set after Fiyero and Elphaba leave Oz, but the Wizard is still randomly there…and Elphaba for some reason didn't give Glinda the Grimmerie…

Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Wicked, but it was three in the morning and I was surrounded by caffeinated teenage girls (and am one myself) at the time I made this up…

"Fiyero, I can't open this chip dip," said Elphaba.

"Huh…here, let me try." Fiyero twisted at the cap. He groaned with the effort. It didn't open. "Ugh!" yelled Fiyero.

"Hang on, let me see…" said Elphaba, leafing through the Grimmerie.

"You're looking for a _spell_ for opening _chip dip_?"

"Yes, and I found one, too," exclaimed Elphaba triumphantly.

"That is incredibly weird," Fiyero remarked.

"Ah chay ah Lay ah fay…"

"Oh brother…" said Fiyero.

"Ah tay se t'ra dae!"

Nothing happened. They stared at the insolent jar of dip in disbelief. Fiyero hefted his gun to his shoulder.

"All right, let's try _this_," he said.

"You're just going to blow it up," Elphaba pointed out.

Fiyero glared at the jar. "Exactly," he muttered angrily.

"Um, not _really_," said Elphaba.

Fiyero emptied a round of bullets into the chip dip. They embedded themselves in the wall behind the dip. The jar remained unscathed.

"What the…" began Elphaba.

"Are you _serious_?" Fiyero asked no one in particular. "Are you sure you didn't accidentally 'eleka nahmen' or whatever that dip?"

"Don't say it out loud, genius! And _yes_, I'm sure."

"Sorry…hey, let's call Boq!"

"Um, why?"

"He has a magic ax!"

"It's not magic, at least I don't think so, but go ahead."

"Ugh!" Boq drove his ax into the top of the chip dip. Elphaba stood off to the side, arms folded across her chest. She and Boq had barely quit glaring at each other the entire time. The only thing stopping Boq from killing Elphaba on the spot was the Grimmerie, clutched under her arm.

"See?" said Elphaba when the jar didn't break.

"My God, the _ax_ is broken!" yelled Boq.

"For the record, this whole…thing…was Nessarose's fault, not mine," Elphaba stated.

"Sure."

"It _was!_"

"Forget it, I'm out of here."

"And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone," Fiyero began,

"I'll magic spell you," Elphaba finished, cackling creepily at him. Boq shuddered and ran off.

"Ew, why'd you laugh like that?" asked Fiyero.

"He left, didn't he? He's too scared to tell, isn't he?" asked Elphaba. "Now, what about this jar? It must be magic or something."

"Well," said Fiyero, "we may have to go back to Oz."


	2. Look, Elphie, A Flying House!

A/N: Ok, here comes Part II.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

"Okay, Fiyero, really, the chip dip isn't _this _important," Elphaba whispered as they crept quietly through the fields of Munchkinland.

"Oh, yes it is," said Fiyero. "Now," he added grimly, "it's personal."

"Oh, wonderful," exclaimed Elphaba sarcastically.

"Ssssh!"

"Where are we even going?"

"We're going to take the house that fell on Nessa, you're going to magic-spell it into the air, and we're going to drop it onto the chip dip."

"Ah, rotting flesh and French onion, what a pleasant olfactory combination," said Elphaba sarcastically.

"You're a witch, you _would _think so."

"You're an idiot. Do you not _get _sarcasm?"

"I live with you, don't I?"

"You really want me to pull a house off my dead sister and drop it on a jar of chip dip?"

"Would you?"

"Fi-ine."

About an hour later, the two came upon the house. Elphaba shuddered involuntarily.

"You really want to do this?" asked Fiyero gently.

"Uh, no, Fiyero, I do not have any particular desire to throw a house at a jar of chip dip."

"Right. Well, uh, have fun."

"Aven tatay aven tatay ditum…"

"Whoa! I see it now, too!"

"What are you _talking _about?"

"The house flying through the air! I see it!"

"Duh. It's like five feet above your head. By the way, if I were you, I'd move."

"Right," said Fiyero, and obeyed after he placed the chip dip on the ground. "Ok, you can put the house down now."

"Uh…" Elphaba didn't move.

"What?"

"Yeah, that whole un-levitation spell thing? Haven't quite got that one down yet."

"Great," moaned Fiyero. "You know what we have to do now, don't you?"

"Um…leave?"

"No! Go see the Wizard!"

"Did you miss the whole Wizard…is…not…magical…thing the first time, and the time with that annoying Dorothy kid?"

"Uh…you don't have to be able to do magic to open a jar of chip dip. I mean, you're magical, and you can't do it."

"That whole 'not _really_ stupid thing?' I take it back."


	3. Sorry, Me Talking More soon!

**Notice: I'm changing my penname to either elphabathedelirious32 or fabalafae32. You can find my stories and profile under that name. **


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